


every time we say goodbye (i cry a little)

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Crying, Established Relationship, Family, Goodbyes, Husbands, M/M, Tears, aaron and robert are awful at goodbyes, and then crying some more, it's so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-26 08:52:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9877931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: aaron and robert have never been good at goodbyes, this time isn't any different.#2 - aaron calls robert and attempts to be honest, ending up hating saying goodbye once again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so after all living after that amazingness of the wedding it is now time for our funeral lbr. this is a piece about the most awful day evaaaa which i am not ready for but yeah ... it's just a mess of emotion that i hope you try to enjoy ((through the tears))

 

The drive there is silent, it's filled with this emptiness that Robert knows is the only thing that manages to fill Aaron's heart now.

 

It's only Robert with him.

 

Aaron's already said goodbye to Adam, hugged him tight and did the whole pat on the back routine that made him want to cry.

 

Robert turns a corner, eyes flickering on Aaron's every second as he tries to concentrate on the road.

 

Aaron's already said goodbye to Victoria, felt her arms wrap around him and then he wished her luck with the baby making, had a flash of something cross his eyes just after he said it. Victoria with a baby wrapped in her arms, motherly and tender. It seemed to break his heart a little at the thought of missing out on the news.

 

Aaron holds his breath, he know there're near and he can't help the way the tears swim in his eyes and his hand reaches down and covers Robert's.

 

Aaron's already said goodbye to his _little_ sister, to Liv. He'd felt her sobbing against his suit until it was damp and then he had to let her go again, let her run into the back of the pub and race up the stairs.

 

The engine cuts and Robert turns the keys with a shaky hand. They still haven't said a word, nothing so far. Robert just keeps thinking and thinking and in his head he's praying to someone up there who can help, praying that someone will let him be happy, let this happiness and joy he has last for longer than a day.

 

Aaron notices, sees the concentration on Robert's face and the way he looks like he is pleading with someone as he stares ahead, not moving yet or even trying to take off his seatbelt.

 

"Robert." Aaron's voice sounds strange, he knows it's because he's been crying so much. Robert doesn't respond, he just keeps looking ahead and then Aaron has to touch his husband's arm gently so that Robert finally responds.

  
Robert turns, eyes a little wide and this heart rate kicks in. It's out of nowhere that he sudden it starts to panic and he hates himself for a second before he swallows it all done and manages to form a smile on his face.

  
"C'mon then." Robert says slowly, unbuckling his seatbelt and then looking at Aaron. He wants to comfort him, wants to hold Aaron in the car so he does, in his own way. Robert lifts his thumb up and gently wipes the tears from Aaron's eyes cheek.

  
Aaron lets out a shaky breath, it was only yesterday Robert was looking at him like he had given him the moon and the stars in return for his love but now - now Robert has this hollow look of hope in them. It's like Robert is desperate for Aaron to believe that he's still positive, still looking on the bright side of it all.

  
Aaron nods, "Yeah c'mon." He says, taking his seatbelt off and then looking up at Robert. He's smiling at him, trying to at least and Aaron just tries to smile back.

 

~

 

It's a waiting game, it's a hideously long waiting game and Aaron hates it as he sits there.

  
He's mind is thinking back to his mum and he's regretting telling her to stay at home.

 _  
(  "No love, I'm coming I don't care." Chas had tears streaming down his face and was shaking her head almost uncontrollably._ _"You're my baby." She added, pulling Aaron into a furiously tight hug._

_  
"Mum I can't - I don't want to see ya crying there." Aaron whispered out, his chin wobbling._

_  
Chas frowned at him. "You don't think he'll be a mess too." She said, her eyes on Robert who was standing by the door, out of ear shot._

_  
Aaron stood there and thought about the possibility, it didn't seem likely. Robert wouldn't break, Robert was the strongest person Aaron knew. He'd be a pillar of strength just like always._

_  
"If he is, I don't want you to be one too." Aaron mumbled, wiping at his eyes._

_  
Chas nodded, "You ring me, ring me straight away alright?" She shuddered. "I mean as soon as ya can." She corrected herself, knowing it wouldn't be that easy to hear from her son whenever she wanted to._

_  
"I will." Aaron whispered, trying not to cry again._

_  
"Oh my darling," Chas pulled him into another hug. "I love you so much."_

_  
Aaron nodded against her, "I know. I love you too."_

_  
Chas pulled him away and looked at him in the eyes, "You have a life waiting for you when you get out. Just - you keep thinking about that, do you hear me?"_

_  
Aaron knew what she meant, he knew all too well and he just had to nod his head in response before wiping his eyes again._

_  
"I'll look after myself. I've got too much to lose." Aaron admits, chewing his lip and then walking towards the door. "Bye mum."  )_

 

Aaron feels Robert slide in next to him and it takes seconds for Aaron to grab into his hand and squeeze it, finding some sort of release as his fingers locked together with Robert's.

  
"Not long now," Robert says slowly before they fall into a lapse of silence again.

  
Aaron looks down at their joint hands and smiles. It was only yesterday he was putting the ring on Robert's finger and vowing to be the best husband he could be.

  
Aaron swallows, "Yeah." He says shakily. "Not long until -"

  
Robert quickly gets out his phone and pulls it up so that Aaron can see. It's a picture from yesterday, one of the many Chas took. This one is when they were dancing, Robert has his head in Aaron's neck and Aaron's looking at him like he's the only one in the room.

  
Aaron lets out a shaky breath. Their happiness is so evident. There's no denying it.

  
"We look so happy." Aaron whispers, letting go of Robert's hand and holding the phone closer towards him.

  
"We were." Robert whispers, a little smile on his face. "We'll be like that again." He promises, "Soon."

  
Aaron's chin wobbles and then he holds the phone even closer to him, pressing it to his chest and then closing his eyes.

  
It breaks Robert's heart, it really does, and he nearly just lets himself go but then Aaron opens his eyes again and passes the phone back to Robert. In those few seconds he had imprinted the picture in his mind, soaked it all in.

  
"Robert - what if it's not soon?" Robert's face falls and he feels the need to grip onto the chair to support himself through the question.

  
Aaron can see that Robert's struggling to answer, he knows that the older man hasn't allowed himself to think negatively and now he's being forced to stare the possibility in the face.

  
"Robert it could be _years_ , they could throw the book at me and -"

  
Robert raises his head and frowns at Aaron. "Why do you keep saying that?" He snaps. "Why do you keep thinking like that?" His eyes are wide and he's willing himself to stop everything from spilling out.

  
Aaron looks a little stunned but swallows hard before speaking, "I just -"

  
"You _can't_ go down for years. You just - you can't Aaron." Robert says and it's desperate and sad and makes Aaron want to cry. "We have to be -"

  
"Positive yeah." Aaron says, shuffling forward and grabbing Robert's hand again, realising that Robert's just as frightened as he is, he's just dealing with it differently. Aaron bites his lip and then braces himself, "Rob you can't be in denial about this." He admits and Robert just drops his head. "We both know it won't be weeks."

  
Robert's chin wobbles and he keeps looking towards the floor. He can't speak, can't even look up at his _husband_ , his brilliant husband who's going to leave him any minute now.

  
Aaron shuffles towards Robert again and then kisses his head, "Robert I didn't mean to make you sad. Please don't be sad." He whispers.

  
"How can I not be sad?" Robert mumbles, tears threatening to fall as he speaks. "Tell me how not to feel like I'm losing everything Aaron."

  
Aaron feels like he's going to break in half and suddenly he doesn't know what to do or say and his hands are shaking around Robert's shoulders and trying to comfort his husband.

  
"I can't, I'm sorry." Aaron admits, feels like he has to be the strong one now. "Look at me Robert," he says and Robert obliges a little slowly. "You know what I think it'll a few months ya know." Aaron says quickly, lies. Lies. Lies. Lies.

  
But it's worth it, it's worth the way Robert's eyes have this twinkle for a second and then there's hope in them. Hope in those beautiful green wonders.

  
"Yeah?" Robert's eyes are now filled with tears and he nods along to Aaron. "See I told you not to be so - so pessimistic." He says shakily. "You're a good bloke, you've got a successful business - a massive family and - you've got _me_. You've got a husband. They'll see all that and, Aaron they're bound to see that prison isn't a place for you."

  
Aaron smiles, he almost believes it and it's blissful for a second as he imagines leaving as a free man, booking honeymoons and spending the rest of his life with Robert as his husband.

  
It's fleeting though, it passes as soon as he hears his name being called and Robert stands almost for attention. Aaron stands slowly with him, taking his time and then fixing his tie a little, he's a bag of nerves suddenly and Robert tries to relax him.

  
"Oi whilst you're in there, think about what you want for Mill yeah?" Robert says, a smile on his face. "'Cause if you leave it up to me then -"

  
Aaron sniffles and he hasn't even heard whatever Robert's trying to say, "I love you." He says, almost like his life depends on it. "I love ya _so_ much you know that don't you?"

  
Robert looks away, looks towards the floor and then lets out a shaky breath. "Yeah." It's all he can say now.

  
Aaron pulls Robert closer to him. "Good 'cause, you knowing that means everything to me. It's what is going to get me through all this." He swallows. "You knowing I love ya more than anything in the world."

  
Robert pulls their foreheads together and nods again. "I love ya too." He whispers back. "You've made me the happiest man in -"

  
"And then I've done this to ya." Aaron butts in before sighing. "But you'll be fine won't ya?"

  
Robert doesn't know what to say, his heart tightens in his chest.

  
Aaron rubs at Robert's arm, "And if you're not, you're a Dingle now so..."

  
Robert bites his lip and then looks towards the door Aaron has to go through, it's large and menacing and he hates the sight of it.

  
"We could just go you know." Robert says, a little panic in his voice and Aaron frowns at him. "Yeah we - we could just run away and forget this, you and me Aaron we could go anywhere like Andy did and I'd," he can't keep up with himself. "I'd have ya with me and I wouldn't be _scared_ out of my mind every time the phone rings and I think they'll tell me you're -"

  
Aaron wraps his arms around Robert so tight that both of them struggle to breath for a few seconds.

  
Aaron feels like he's drowning, like he's pulling Robert under with him and that he's broken Robert completely. He's taken this strong, resilient man and left him like _this_ , left him broken and completely destroyed and thinking so irrationally that it scares Aaron.

  
"I'm not going to do _anything_ , I swear to ya." Aaron mumbles into Robert. "I'd never leave ya like that, no way." He stresses before Robert pulls off of him and wipes at his eyes.

  
"Okay," Robert whispers. "I know you won't promise it though." He says darkly and Aaron doesn't say anything for a second or two.

  
"Robert." Aaron whispers and Robert looks up. "Kiss me." He says gently and Robert turns to face the people walking around near them.

  
"Yeah?" Robert says, a little confused.

  
"Kiss me like - like it'll be _years_." Aaron says, tears down his face. "Years and years." He says, means it as he searches for Robert's hand and then slowly feels Robert lean into him. They start slowly, Robert's hands on the back of Aaron necks as he pushes deeper and deeper and then pulls his hands down so that they grab at Aaron's shirt.

  
It feels like their lips are swollen as they finally pull away and Robert hates the way he cries, hates the way Aaron does too and then hates -

  
Aaron's hand slips down and he shakily removes his wedding ring, "Here." He says, he can't even met Robert's eyes.

  
Robert looks almost horrified by the action, he wants to shut his eyes and pretend that he hasn't seen it, that Aaron isn't holding out his ring and trying to put it in Robert's hand which is firmly fisted on purpose.

  
"Robert please take it." Aaron pleads quietly, "I want ya to keep it safe, keep it with ya. I can't wear it in -"

  
Robert wipes at his tears and then takes it from Aaron, it's warm in his palm and he wants to cry again.

  
"Thank you," Aaron whispers gently, kissing Robert on the cheek and then holding him a little.

  
"I'll wear it 'round my neck." Robert promises, "I'll always have it with me." He adds, seriously.

  
Aaron sniffs and then looks up at Robert, their holding each other a little but he wants more so he buries himself in Robert's chest.

  
"I love you so much." Robert whispers, "I've tried to keep it together but -"

  
"You shouldn't have to." Aaron admits and then swallows. "I shouldn't _expect_ ya to." He adds, "I hate seeing ya upset." It's so rare that it's like a dagger to Aaron's heart.

  
Robert bites his lip and then looks towards the guard that's appeared at the door again.

  
"Hey c'mon, enough of this eh." Robert says, rubbing Aaron's arms. "We'll be fine Mr. Sugden. We've got through more than this." Robert's back to being Robert and Aaron shudders.

  
"Yeah together." Aaron pushes out and then stops himself. "Sorry." He pauses and then forces out a smile. "Look you're right like always. We'll be fine, _I'll_ be fine 'cause I've got you."

  
It's music to Robert's ears and he tries to hold onto it as he grabs Aaron's hands and then kisses them. "Remember what I said to ya. This _will_ pass and you'll come home to me, and to Liv too." He says gently.

  
"I'll come home to you and to Liv." Aaron repeats to himself, knows it will be his mantra.

  
Robert nods, "And I'll never let you out of my sight again."

  
Aaron shudders and then smiles. "That sounds like a challenge to me." He whispers before biting his lip. "God I don't want to leave -"

  
"Mr. Dingle they're waiting to start." The man calls over again and Robert scowls at him.

  
Robert shakily presses a kiss to Aaron's head and then holds his hand tightly as they move towards the door.

 

~

 

It's _twelve_ months. A year. A whole year. 

 

It kills everything inside Robert as he sits there shaking. He's grateful that Aaron doesn't look up at him for a few seconds so his real thoughts are allowed to spill out of him.

 

He wants to give up, he wants to cry and scream and shout and tell them that they're wrong and that it's not fair and that it's too long but - he doesn't. He almost can't because then Aaron will see him break down and Aaron doesn't like to see him upset so he can't be.

 

No. No he'll cry when his alone. Like always. For now he'll smile as Aaron looks his way, he'll mouth 'it's going to be okay' and 'I love you' as Aaron stares at him all wide eyed and innocent.

 

"Aaron," Robert cries, standing up and gripping the gold bars as they start to take Aaron down, just like that, just that easily. "No not yet -" he knew it was coming but - 

  
" _Please_ just let me -"

  
Aaron looks up at him, "You be strong for me yeah babe." It strikes something inside Robert, the little term of endearment in front of people they don't even know. It is Aaron's way of trying to settle his husband and it works, it makes Robert's shoulders relax little.

  
"Yeah," Robert whispers. "Don't worry about Liv - about anything okay? Just - you know I -" his voice trails as Aaron feels the guards tighten their grip on him.

  
"I know." Aaron whispers, fights back the tears because he won't cry now. He's dead inside but he won't cry. He won't upset Robert anymore than he already has. "Always have, always will yeah?"

  
Robert has a stubborn lump in his throat as he watches Aaron leave him, watches Aaron be ripped away from him and then he's left alone. Left with nothing but Aaron's ring in his hand to keep him warm. He stays where he is for a while before he manages to peel himself away and heads back to the car, back to Liv, back to something he can hold onto whilst Aaron isn't with him. He knows it won't work though, he knows that it's all pointless as he drives home alone, fighting back tears.

 

The dent Aaron's body had made in the passenger seat has already faded from view. It's too telling for Robert to think about.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure what I'm really doing with this but I did say I'd add another chapter so here you go. I think this whole fic is just going to be prison stuff so whenever I get any ideas to break all of our hearts I'll add another chapter but for now it's just at two. 
> 
> Last night honesty killed my soul and so I decided to make myself cry even more by writing this.

It's later on when he's in his cell that he regrets it. Regrets telling his mum that he can't speak to Robert, he regrets lying to her like that. He regrets lying to himself. He wants him. He wants Robert right now and it eats him up inside so much that he thinks he's going to be sick.

  
Aaron shuffles on his bunk and a shooting pain is able to pierce through him and make him wince out in pain. It aches everywhere and he feels himself breaking inside whilst he thinks about how much more of this he can actually stand. Once a week maybe but God, oh _God_ not once a day.

  
He'll be unable to move soon, his ribs will be broken and the bruises on his face will be too visible to hide from guards. They'll tell his mum, they'll tell Robert and Liv and then he'd disappoint them more than ever because he never told them the truth.

  
He hates the thought, he doesn't want them to hate him. He can't have them hate him.

  
Aaron lifts himself up a little and can just about stare out of the cell window. It's late but not late enough to make a phone call if he wants to. He doesn't like going this late, it's when you see all the dad's saying goodnight to their children and it makes him, always makes him, think of Liv somehow.

  
Ethan's already asleep on the bottom bunk and Aaron battles with himself to climb down without making too much noise. He doesn't exactly know why he wants to ring, maybe to admit to it, maybe to be honest to Robert about what happened.

 

~

 

It takes two rings and that makes Aaron smile a little. It's so quick, he doesn't have to worry about Robert not missing him then.

  
"Hello?" Robert's voice is filled with wariness and Aaron's heart breaks a little because he knows that Robert's always going to expect bad news isn't he.

  
"Hiya." Aaron trips out, trying to stay light and ignore the way he's struggling to stand. "Sorry I couldn't speak to ya earlier, the line was so long." He adds, feels the need to prop himself up on the wall just so that he can get his words out.

  
There's silence, heavy silence and he thinks that maybe Robert's heard him wince or something.

  
"Robert there's something I need to tell you -" Aaron says wearily and then he hears Robert sniffling. "Rob?" He fights back his own tears, wants to reach through the phone and hold onto his husband and kiss him over and over again.

  
Robert blows out a little breath. "I'm alright." He says quickly.

  
"You don't sound -" Aaron winces a little and then swallows. "You don't sound alright to me."

  
Robert lightly chuckles and it catches Aaron off guard. "I'm just _relieved_." He says and Aaron feels himself falling a little as he moves a certain way which makes everything hurt even more.

  
"Relieved?" Aaron manages to whisper out over the phone, holding back tears.

  
"Yeah. Yeah your mum said that - that you said nothing's happened. That everything's okay." It's ridiculous really, the lightness in Robert's voice, the way he sounds like a little boy again.

  
Aaron doesn't say anything for a few seconds and then Robert makes this little noise.

  
"It _is_ alright?" Robert gets out slowly. "You _promised_ you'd tell me if -" he says but his voice breaks and Aaron knows straight away that he cannot be honest. He _can't_ because it would break Robert completely. It would send him over the edge if he found out that Aaron had been beaten black and blue, that more was coming, that he had no control over it at all.

  
"Everything's fine Rob." Aaron says, the pain dying a little so that he can clutch the phone closer to him with ease. "I promise." He adds, lies through his teeth and is then hit with a little bout of pain in his ribs as punishment.

  
Robert steadies his breath, "I'm so glad." He sounds it, he sounds like he'll sleep tonight and that's all that Aaron cares about. There's silence for a few seconds and then Robert speaks again, "Go on then, you wanted to tell me something."

  
It lays heavy in his heart, he could say it, he _could_ tell Robert anything he wanted to but what good would it do? It's not like Robert could stop it, he could make it worse though and -

  
"Did I?" Aaron buys time, tries to work it all out in his mind. He sees Robert's face again, the heavy bags, his pale complexion, his apologies. He hates himself for putting his husband through it all, he _won't_ cause any more hurt. He won't.

  
"Yeah you idiot." Robert says lightly, Aaron thinks he's smiling and he mirrors it almost instantly. "Before I did my crying act."

  
Aaron bites his lip, blows out a breath. "Oh I was just going to say that - that I met some bloke I used to be inside with before." There's a pause, Aaron knows that it sounds untrue but he decides to press on. "Yeah we got talking and - and he ya know, he's a mate basically so - so I've got someone to have my back." It's not just twisting the truth, it's a lie, it's a flat out lie which he knows is a desperate attempt to make Robert feel better.

  
"That's great Aaron." Robert sounds so hopeful. "I - gosh Aaron that's -" he's so happy it's a joke, Aaron can practically feel it radiate through the phone and he is instantly warmed by it, by how much Robert loves him and wants to keep him safe and protected.

  
"Looks like you don't need to break the law and join me after all." Aaron manages to smile as he says it and then it fades as he finds it hard to stand straight and has to pull an arm over his stomach.

  
Robert laughs, actually _laughs_ and Aaron feels practically healed by it.

  
"Look I've got to go now," Aaron whispers, he wants to leave it whilst he can still speak, before he doubles over in pain and falls to the ground mid-sentence and ruins it all.

  
Robert understands, "Okay." He says a little sadly, "I'll speak to you tomorrow." He adds.

  
Aaron hasn't done this before, spoke over the phone with Robert when he's inside. He suddenly doesn't want to say goodbye. "I miss you." Aaron says too gently, it makes his eyes water because he _does_ and he can't believe he hasn't said it yet.

  
Robert swallows, "I miss ya too." He says desperately. "I love you so much."

  
Aaron looks around, there's two people waiting nearby and he hates himself for not being able to say it back. He wants to. He hates how long it took him to say it before. All those months of not just confessing to how much he loves Robert when - when he could do it _freely_. He realises that he's paying the price now.

  
"Rob you know I -" Aaron whipers. "I'm so sorry that I can't -"

  
"I'll say it for you then yeah." Robert clears his throat. "I love you, I love you, _I love you_. There." He says softly and then Aaron thinks that he's made Robert cry.

  
"Hug Liv for me yeah?" Aaron says, feeling himself shake with the need to cry. "And - and don't worry about me okay? I'm - like I said I'm -"

  
"You're fine." Robert says simply, like he honestly believes it and Aaron's a little flawed by how easy it is, it just shows how much Robert wants it to be that simple. "I'm so glad." He says again.

  
Aaron smiles, "I know you are." He says. "Now go to sleep Mr Dingle, properly this time."

  
"I will do, Mr Sugden."

  
Aaron misses the title with all his heart. "Bye then." He whispers.

  
"Night my husband." Robert whispers back and it sends a shiver through Aaron's body and a pang of guilt, he didn't just speak to Robert, he spoke to his _husband_.

  
Aaron pushes the phone down shakily and feels himself almost give up, that was his chance to be honest and he didn't take it. 

 

~

 

Aaron shuffles back to his cell and manages to climb up on his bunk again without wincing in pain too much.

  
He'll sleep okay tonight, won't have nightmares about waking up tomorrow and facing it all again. He'll be okay tonight because Robert will be too. He's made Robert sleep without fear, calmed his worries completely and -

 

  
It's enough to make him smile as he closes his eyes.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why but I just really really think that this happened last night which is why I felt compelled to write it. I think that Aaron would so want to spare Robert especially if he sounds upbeat which he was trying to be last night. I'm sorry if you cried ...

**Author's Note:**

> i might add some more to this fic, maybe just a few more chapters that show how robert and liv and the rest of the village really, deal without aaron - it's a maybe though! hope you liked this sadness <33


End file.
